Hermes, You are NOT The Father!
by HorklumpFondler
Summary: The Olympians appear on successive episodes of a daytime talk show to offer their comments on a variety of topics...and get a few surprises in the process. Percy, Annabeth, Grover and friends will make guest appearances.  Rated for mild language/innuendo.
1. Zeus and Hera

**DISCLAIMER: Percy Jackson, Camp Half-Blood and related characters belong to Rick Riordan, Disney-Hyperion Books for Children and other copyright holders. No profit is being made and no copyright infringement is intended. Trust me, I'm almost a lawyer.**

**HOST:** Hello, and welcome to another edition of DeiTalk, where we get up close and personal with some of your favourite deities! I'm here with my guests, Lord Zeus and Lady Hera. I'm sure that many of you in our audience will recognize them as the King and Queen of Olympus. Zeus, Hera, it's a pleasure to have you on our show today.

HERA: The pleasure is all ours.

**ZEUS (to HOST):** Are your boobs real? They look real.

**HERA (rolling eyes):** Oh, here we go. Two seconds into the interview and he starts hitting on the first good-looking woman in sight. You see what I have to put up with?

**ZEUS:** I'd be more inclined to be faithful if you would lay off the donuts and work out once in a while. Your stomach looks like a wad of unbaked pizza dough.

**HERA:** That is NOT my fault! I got that way giving birth to _your _kids! Do you know how difficult my pregnancy with Ares was? That kid beat the crap out of me! His anger issues come from _you_, you know.

**ZEUS:** Maybe so, but he's definitely got your IQ.

**HOST:** Um…why don't we stick to the topics we discussed before the show? Zeus, you and the other Olympians have been moving from country to country, following the centre of power in the West. Do you have a favourite country on Earth?

**ZEUS:** Oh, definitely the U.S.A. They appreciate power, you know? Powerful economy, powerful military, lots of powerful people. And their national symbol is the eagle, same as mine. They have good taste.

**HERA (muttering):** He likes the girls in those Southern beauty pageants, too.

**ZEUS (through clenched teeth):** That's enough, dear.

**HERA:** And don't even get me started on his obsession with Hollywood. Did you know that he's writing a screenplay? He actually thinks he can sell it to a major studio, even though he writes like a monkey with some sort of degenerative nerve disease.

**ZEUS (gasping):** You've been poking around in my computer, haven't you? I told you not to look in there! That stuff is PRIVATE!

**HERA:** It's called "I Love Zeusy". Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous?

**HOST:…**Right. Well. Getting back to the interview. So, Zeus, you have a fondness for the good old U.S. of A. Hera, what about you? Is there a particular country that you enjoy visiting?

**HERA:** Oh, I love Switzerland. So picturesque, so neat and orderly. Lots of dairy cows. And they're a neutral country, so they don't get involved in conflicts. Unlike _some_ people.

**ZEUS:** She likes Swiss chocolates, too, as you can tell by looking at her ass.

**HERA (rising from her chair):** Oh, that's it. That is IT.

**ZEUS (also standing):** Bring it on, you protagonist-punishing peacock person!

**HOST (agitated):** Lord Zeus, Lady Hera, please!

**(ZEUS and HERA glare at each other, then sit down.)**

**HOST:** Thank you. Now, I understand that the Council of the Gods recently offered the gift of immortality to a young man named Perseus Jackson. How did the two of you react when he declined?

**ZEUS:** To tell you the truth, I was glad. That kid reminds me too much of his father. The last thing I need is a miniature Poseidon running around, mouthing off and challenging my authority.

**HERA:** What Lord Zeus means is that Percy Jackson is loyal, caring, and dedicated to the girl he loves. In other words, he makes Bolt Boy here look bad. That's the _real_ reason he's glad Percy turned down our offer.

**ZEUS:** Lady Hera doesn't need anyone to make her look bad. She does it all on her own.

**HERA (clenching her fists):** Why, you…

**HOST:** Er…perhaps it would be better to postpone this interview until some of your, um, marital issues have been worked out. If you need some help with that, our producers can get you a spot on Dr. Phil's show.

**ZEUS:** I've never liked that guy. I think I'm going to turn him into a hamster.

**HERA:** And then you're going to get it on with one of his production interns. Or maybe his studio couch. Any reasonably soft object will do.

**HOST (interjecting hurriedly):** Oh, wow, look at the clock! I'm afraid we've run out of time for today, but tune into DeiTalk tomorrow for our interview with Poseidon and Athena!

**(IN THE GREEN ROOM, FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER: )**

**ZEUS (to HOST):** You must be pretty well-connected in L.A. D'you think you could get one of the studio bosses to have a look at my screenplay?

**HOST:** No.

**ZEUS**: Oh. ** (brief silence)** Well, can I at least see your boobs?


	2. Poseidon and Athena

**HOST:** Welcome to another edition of DeiTalk! For those of you who missed yesterday's episode, Zeus and Hera had some, um, issues during the segment. I'm pleased to announce that Zeus relieved his frustration by incinerating a couple of cameramen and that Hera consumed all the snacks on the green room buffet table, so both of them are feeling much better. Today, we're privileged to have two more Olympian gods with us: Poseidon and Athena! How are the two of you?

**ATHENA: **Very well, thank you.

**POSEIDON: **Couldn't be better.

**HOST: **As we all know, two of your respective children played a major role in saving Olympus and the West from total destruction. Are you proud of them?

**POSEIDON:** Oh, yeah. Percy's a great kid. Some might disagree, but the 5,638th child always turns out to be your favourite. It's inevitable.

**ATHENA:** I'm certainly very proud of Annabeth as well.

**POSEIDON (chuckling):** I suppose you should be, even though she doesn't deserve _quite_ as much credit as Percy, now, does she?

**ATHENA:** What are you talking about? _She's_ the reason that Castellan boy was able to hang onto the last shred of his humanity! Plus, it was _her_ knife that brought him down!

**POSEIDON (rolling his eyes): **Oh, come on – there's no way your kid is a bigger hero than mine. You've been trying to compete with me ever since that episode a few thousand years ago.

**ATHENA:** You mean the one involving the patronage of Athens? You know, the city that's named after ME? Because my gift to them was better?

**POSEIDON (bristling): **Your stupid olive tree was NOT a better gift than my horse!

**ATHENA:** It wasn't a horse. It was a useless saltwater spring.

**POSEIDON: **Pffftt…you're the one who started that rumour. I created the horse for the Athenians, and horses are USEFUL. When's the last time you saw an olive tree pull a plow or win the Kentucky Derby?

**ATHENA: **Well, when's the last time YOU saw a recipe call for cold-pressed extra virgin horse oil? And does anyone put horse on their pizza? No!

**HOST (interrupting): **I think our viewers would really like to hear some more about Percy and Annabeth. Poseidon, would you say that Percy is like you?

**POSEIDON: **He's definitely like me in some ways, what with the cool water powers and all that, but I see a lot of his mom in him, too. Let me tell you, I was never happier with anyone than I was with Sally Jackson. I mean, my wife has crab claw horns, and my last girlfriend ended up with snakes for hair thanks to Owl Face over here. It was nice to hook up with a woman who didn't have anything weird sticking out of her head.

**ATHENA: **Medusa deserved what she got, the little tramp.

**HOST: **Ahem. Let's try to stay on topic, shall we? Athena, tell us a little bit about your daughter's plans for Olympus. How is her design coming along?

**ATHENA (proudly): **It really is amazing. I knew that Annabeth would be something special the minute she came bursting out of my skull.

**POSEIDON: **Ew.

**ATHENA: **I can't say I'm terribly pleased about her relationship with young Perseus, however. I had always hoped she'd end up with a nice sensible child – one of Hephaestus's, for example.

**POSEIDON (flaring up): **Are you insinuating that Percy isn't sensible?

**ATHENA (sarcastically): **Of course he is. Getting kicked out of multiple boarding schools is a sure sign of levelheaded rationality.

**POSEIDON: **That is IT. You are SO going to find a dead octopus in your bed one of these nights.

**ATHENA: **I'd rather wake up next to a dead octopus than next to Crab Claw Woman!

**(POSEIDON and ATHENA stomp off the set, bickering all the way.)**

**HOST: **Sigh. I suppose that's it for today's edition of DeiTalk. Tune in tomorrow when we sit down with the immortal world's most famous twins, Artemis and Apollo.


	3. Artemis and Apollo

**HOST:**Hello, and welcome to today's episode of DeiTalk! This afternoon, we're pleased to sit down with…HEY! That goat guy over there is chewing on the sound cables! Get him!

**GROVER:** Bla-ha-haah! I couldn't help myself…recording equipment is so tasty! **[He dashes out the studio door with a severed wire dangling from his mouth like a Twizzler.]**

**HOST (disgruntled): **As I was saying, we're pleased to sit down with the two Heavenly Archers, Artemis and Apollo. How's it going, guys?

**ARTEMIS: **Wonderful, thanks.

**APOLLO (pointing at the camera with both forefingers, making a "ck-ck" sound and winking): **Awesome.

**HOST: **The two of you are among the most famous sets of twins in history. What's the best thing about having a twin?

**APOLLO: **Having someone to blame stuff on. Like, there was this one time when Artemis got in trouble for fooling around with Poseidon's trident and sinking the Spanish Armada, but it was really me who did it.

**ARTEMIS (gasping):** I got grounded for that, you jerk!

**APOLLO (grinning): **Sucker!

**ARTEMIS: **You want to know what _my_ favourite thing is about having a twin? Telling embarrassing stories about him. We used to take baths together as kids and he would ALWAYS pee in the tub. It was so gross.

**APOLLO: **Hey, you said you'd never tell anyone about that! You PROMISED!

**ARTEMIS: **And you should have seen him before he got braces. He looked like the result of Zeus's affair with a beaver. Here, I have a picture. **[She holds it up to the camera.]**

**APOLLO (flushing red): **Give me that! **[He snatches it away and turns back to the Host.] **Did you know that the mighty Goddess of the Hunt sleeps with a teddy bear?

**ARTEMIS (also turning red)**: I do not!

**APOLLO: **Oh, sorry, it's not a teddy bear. It's actually a stuffed armadillo.

**ARTEMIS: **Shut up!

**APOLLO: **His name is Mr. Wookins. She looooooves him. **[He hugs himself and makes kissing noises at Artemis.]**

**ARTEMIS: **That does it! **[She leaps on Apollo, knocks him to the ground and starts yanking his hair.]**

**APOLLO: **Ow! Ow! Get off! **[He bites Artemis's arm and she screams.]**

**HOST: **GUYS!

**[Artemis and Apollo stop wrestling, look up sheepishly and get back into their seats.]**

**ARTEMIS and APOLLO (in unison): **Sorry.

**HOST: **Let's get back to our conversation. Apollo, you have a reputation as a bit of a ladies' man. Is it well-deserved?

**APOLLO: **Oh, yeah. Like, the author of this story SO wants to get it on with me.

**AUTHOR: **I do, but we're not going to discuss that right now. Carry on.

**HOST: **Artemis, you're the opposite of your brother in that you prefer not to get involved in romantic relationships. May I ask why that is?

**ARTEMIS (jerking a thumb at Apollo): **If you'd grown up with this idiot, you'd have learned to avoid males too. Did you know he once tried to take his sun car to a McDonald's drive-thru? He ended up vaporizing the place.

**APOLLO: **What? The dining room was closed and I wanted some Chicken McNuggets!

**ARTEMIS: **You _are_ a Chicken McNugget.

**HOST: **Don't start fighting again, guys. Please. Can we talk about Percy Jackson?

**APOLLO: **Percy? He's awesome. Did you know he's going out with that Annabeth Chase now? Everything he learned about girls, he learned from ME.

**ARTEMIS: **Like how to drool in his sleep in front of them?

**APOLLO: **Don't mind her. She's just mad that Annabeth didn't join her stupid Hunters.

**ARTEMIS: **She would have been better off. My Hunters are the only girls on Earth who have guaranteed protection from HIM. **(She points at Apollo again.)**

**HOST: **Artemis…

**APOLLO: **Look, Sis, why don't we call a truce? Come on, let's go get some Chicken McNuggets.

**ARTEMIS (hesitating): **Well…OK.

**APOLLO: **I'll treat you…and Mr. Wookins! Woo-hoo-hoo!

**ARTEMIS: **Aaarggghh! **(She takes out her bow and starts whacking him over the head with it, chasing him across the set and out the studio doors.)**

**HOST: **This is getting very frustrating. **(She rubs her temple.) **Hopefully we'll have better luck with tomorrow's guests – Aphrodite, Ares and Hephaestus.

**GROVER (sneaking back in and taking a bite out of the boom mic): **Don't count on it.


	4. Aphrodite, Ares and Hephaestus

A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews, guys – I'm glad you like this story! Please keep those reviews coming, as they help to motivate me and keep my creative juices flowing!

**HOST:** Welcome back to DeiTalk! If you've been following our "Deities of Olympus" series, you know that we've already spoken with six of the twelve Olympian gods: Zeus and Hera, Poseidon and Athena, and Apollo and Artemis. Today we're going to mix things up by sitting down with the three gods who make up one of the immortal world's most famous love triangles: Aphrodite, Ares and Hephaestus! How's it going, everybody?

**HEPHAESTUS (looking at the floor): **I've been worse, I guess.

**ARES (grinning and leaning back): **Not bad, not bad.

**APHRODITE (looking in the wrong direction): **I'm super! Thanks for asking!

**ARES: **Uh, babe, the camera's over here.

**APHRODITE: **Oops…silly me! **(She giggles.)**

**HOST: **Let's get right down to the juicy stuff. Hephaestus, you're married to Aphrodite, correct?

**HEPHAESTUS (gloomily): **Yeah.

**HOST:** But you're fully aware that she's been having an affair with Ares for the past three thousand years or so?

**HEPHAESTUS: **Yeah.

**HOST:** How does that make you feel?

**HEPHAESTUS:** I'm used to it.

**HOST:** But you're her husband! Don't you want her to be faithful to you?

**HEPHAESTUS:** Not really.

**HOST, ARES & APHRODITE:** WHAT?

**HEPHAESTUS:** She's not really my type.

**HOST:** But – but she's the goddess of love and beauty! She's EVERYONE'S type!

**HEPHAESTUS: **Not mine**. **I like robots.

**HOST: **Robots? But they're just cold, soulless machines! A robot can't share your bed at night, can it?

**HEPHAESTUS:** Sure it can. In fact, I've programmed my BedHogger X120 model to replicate my wife's sleeping habits on nights when I feel lonely. Not only does it steal my blankets and kick me in its sleep, it also emits highly realistic snoring sounds.

**APHRODITE (gasping):** I don't snore!

**ARES:** Yes you do, babe. Sorry.

**HEPHAESTUS:** It sounds like a garbage truck rumbling down a bumpy road.

**ARES:** And it's loud enough to make shingles fly off the roof.

**HEPHAESTUS (looking up and giving Ares the tiniest of smiles):** You know what? It really is!

**APHRODITE (red as a beet):** It is NOT!

**ARES:** She farts in her sleep, too.

**APHRODITE (spluttering):** I do not! I don't!

**HEPHAESTUS (smiling more broadly):** Man, does she ever!

**ARES:** And they're nasty ones! Last time she had eggplant parmigiana, I had to sleep on the couch. And not my couch, either – I had to go all the way to Apollo's place to escape the fumes. It was seriously that bad.

**HEPHAESTUS:** Tell me about it! I took her to Mexico for our 2,876th anniversary dinner and she ordered a bean burrito. I ended up needing CPR in the middle of the night.

**ARES:** Did you know that whenever the goddess of love passes gas, a 40-year marriage comes to an end somewhere? That's what happened to Al and Tipper Gore.

**HEPHAESTUS (laughs out loud):** Talk about climate change!

**HOST:** Er…maybe we could steer the conversation in a different direction. Ares, tell us about –

**ARES (ignoring Host, turning to Hephaestus):** Dude! Did you know she wears granny panties, too?

**HEPHAESTUS (laughing):** Oh, yeah! I found a pair of them under the bed once and wondered what the barbecue cover was doing down there.

**ARES (laughing even harder):** Right on, bro! **(Ares and Hephaestus high-five each other.)**

**APHRODITE:** But – but –

**HOST:** Um, I'm not sure this is what our viewers are interested in hearing about, guys. Hephaestus, can you tell us -

**HEPHAESTUS (grabbing Ares's forearm):** Hey, remember that time when we all went to Burger King and she didn't know how to work the self-serve drink machine?

**ARES:** Oh my gods…that was so freakin' funny! Every spout had, like, a huge red button that said PUSH HERE, and she still couldn't figure out how to do it!

**HEPHAESTUS:** And remember how she ordered nothing but a salad without dressing, but then she ended up eating all of Artemis's French fries? It was like watching an industrial-strength vacuum cleaner at work!

**ARES (laughing and wiping tears away from under his sunglasses):** Stop it, dude! You're killing me!

**APHRODITE (sobbing):** Y-you guys are s-so mean! **(She buries her face in her hands and runs out of the studio.)**

**HEPHAESTUS (checking his watch):** Hey, it's almost happy hour! C'mon, I'll buy you a drink and tell you about the time she got her hair stuck in the toaster oven.

**ARES (laughing):** OK, and I'll tell you about the fan letter I found under her pillow. It was addressed to "Justin Beaver". Not only that, she spelled her own name wrong when she signed it.

**HEPHAESTUS (slapping his knee):** Bah-hah-hah-hah…are you serious?

**(Ares and Hephaestus leave the studio with their arms around each others' shoulders, still laughing.)**

**HOST: **This is SO not worth a paltry $100,000 per episode. **(She digs in her purse, finds a bottle of Tylenol and knocks back a few.)** We'll see you tomorrow when we sit down with Hades, the Lord of the Dead. If I get a pay raise first, that is.


	5. Hades

**(The Host is on her cell phone, talking to her agent.)**

**HOST (into phone):** …Look, Jack, you've got to renegotiate my contract. These Olympian gods are driving me insane. They won't stop fighting on the air…No, I want at least $300K per episode…Listen, I've sustained a lot of personal losses here! A satyr ate my best Gucci purse, Aphrodite hired away my personal makeup artist and someone broke into my dressing room and stole three pairs of underwear. I think it was Apollo…OK, OK, fine. Just work on it and –

**DIRECTOR:** Hey, we're on the air here!

**HOST (hurriedly putting phone away and putting on a big fake smile):** Hello and welcome back to DeiTalk! As promised, we're here today with a much-anticipated guest: Hades, Lord of the Underworld! How are you, Mr. Underworld?

**HADES:** I'm OK.

**HOST: **Excellent. Now, as I understand it, you've been working with the deceased community for several millennia now. Is that correct?

**HADES:** Yes, and it's an absolute nightmare. All I hear is "Please don't let me be dead!" and "What do you mean I didn't achieve Elysium?" and "Which way to the john?" all day long! It's driving me crazy!

**HOST:** But there must be _some_ positive things about your job, aren't there?

**HADES (thoughtfully):** Hmmm…I suppose torturing bad people is kind of fun. Let's see, I've got Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Pol Pot, Osama bin Laden – he's a new arrival…

**HOST (interrupting):** I'm sorry to interrupt, but I have to ask: What kind of punishment did Bin Laden get?

**HADES:** Well, he got his 72 virgins.

**HOST:** Really?

**HADES (smirking):** Yes, but in life they were all members of the Incurable Severe Body Odor Sufferers' Support Group.

**HOST:** Yuck.

**HADES: **And they're all well-endowed males.

**HOST:** Eeep.

**HADES:** And I basically gave them each a glass Coke bottle and a broomstick and told them to use them as they saw fit.

**HOST:** Ouch.

**HADES:** Exactly.

**HOST:** Any other famous baddies who are now undergoing an eternity of torture?

**HADES:** Well, there's Genghis Khan, Auguste Pinochet, Florence Nightingale…

**HOST (surprised)**: Florence _Nightingale_? But she was a beloved Crimean War nurse!

**HADES:** Yeah, but in her spare time she liked to poke crippled orphans with sharp sticks.

**HOST (shaking her head):** You learn something new every day.

**HADES:** And I've got Walt Disney down there too. He was in Elysium for a while, as a reward for all the joy his animated features brought to millions of children, but after his company made me evil in the _Hercules_ movie I decided to transfer him to Tartarus.

**HOST:** What about the truly good people in Elysium? Anyone there we may recognize?

**HADES:** Let's see…there's Mother Teresa, Abraham Lincoln, Albert Schweitzer, Attila the Hun…

**HOST:** _Attila the Hun?_

**HADES:** He gets a bad rap, but he was really a nice guy. Volunteered at church events, donated thousands to the Sassanid Empire Multiple Sclerosis Society, helped old ladies across the street – all the standard do-gooder stuff.

**HOST (nodding):** How about that. Hades, can I ask you about your son Nico di Angelo? Is your relationship with him still a difficult one?

**HADES:** It's actually gotten a lot better. I used to think he was a whiny little emo puke, but now we're pretty close. His chocolate brown eyes and smooth Italian charm have worked their magic on me.

**HOST:** So all those Nico fangirls have the right idea?

**HADES:** They sure do. But don't get me started on his sister Bianca. Ever since she died, all I've heard is "Daddeeeee, I want an undead pony!" and "Daddeeee, Versace's ghost won't design a personal collection for me!" and "Daddeeee, kill Lady Gaga so she can come down here and play a private concert for me!" I have half a mind to have her reincarnated as one of Rush Limbaugh's intestinal parasites.

**HOST:** Rush Limbaugh has intestinal parasites?

**HADES:** He calls the big one Bitey.

**HOST: **Wow.

**HADES:** Mmm-hmm.

**HOST:** So, Hades, let's finish up our interview with a little word association game. When I say a name, you tell me the first word or two that comes to your mind when you hear it.

**HADES:** OK.

**HOST:** Annabeth Chase.

**HADES:** Smart.

**HOST:** Athena.

**HADES:** Owly.

**HOST:** Grover Underwood.

**HADES:** Food.

**HOST:** Percy Jackson.

**HADES:** Shopping cart.

**HOST:** Shopping cart?

**HADES (shrugging): **Sorry. It was the first thing that came into my head.

**HOST (after a brief silence):** Well, there you have it. The Lord of the Dead offers us a few words on Percy Jackson, and those words are "shopping cart". Interesting.

**HADES (hears a ringtone, then checks his cell phone display):** Oops…sorry, but I've got to go. Charon's on the phone…something about Cerberus and my new Oriental rug. I hope it isn't what I think it is. Thanks for having me on the show. **(He turns into a column of black flames and vanishes.)**

**HOST:** Wow…our most cooperative guest turns out to be the King of the Dead. Just goes to show that you should never set any store by stereotypes. Tune in tomorrow when we sit down with Demeter, Goddess of Agriculture, and her daughter Persephone.


End file.
